Condoms For Kids? Brilliant!

Beth Singer, you should be so proud of yourself! As the superintendent of schools for Provincetown, Massachusetts, you are probably under tremendous pressure to start teaching our children the ways of the Left as early in their sweet lives as possible. I’m sure that the schoolchildren are getting pretty tired of singing that Obama anthem every morning. “…We can change the world … yes we can, can CAN!” Catchy little tune, it is. But even Lady Gaga gets a little old and tired when you’ve heard “Poker Face” for the zillionth time.

So before you lose the children’s rapt, hypnotic attention – and the faith and confidence from the state of Massachusetts -- you’ve come up with a BRILLIANT idea! A radical change we can all believe in:

“LET’S GIVE SCHOOLCHILDREN CONDOMS!”

After all, we know how sexually active those first-graders can be, the little bunnies -- especially on the first day of school. All that nervous, excited energy can now be used constructively. Instead of chaos on the playground, girls and boys can now be encouraged to play more “cooperatively” with a little one-on-one time.

In fact, may I suggest that we get rid of all the playground equipment and replace those playful pieces with cozy chaise lounges and water-bed-like bouncy houses. You may want to keep the swings, however, for the more advanced condom-users – wink, wink!

I also suggest you put a contingency plan in place to handle all the demand. We wouldn’t want our little sweeties to have to stand too long in line waiting for their free condoms, especially when those wild sexual urges kick in. You know how horny second-graders can be!

Beth, I’m not sure you realize how brilliant you really are, because your one, single ruling to give children as young as 6 years old condoms, if they ask for it, has inadvertently opened up new channels of commerce.

Toys R Us can now have a “Children’s Adult Entertainment” aisle, where you can pick up all the latest sex toys and contraptions to enhance all that puppy love. I am SO excited that I will have more choices to make when it comes to buying the standard, boring birthday gift. And all the moms who are planning the birthday parties will be thrilled to know that they can save a little money by purchasing a Party Pack of colorful condoms to stuff in the goody bags. Won’t they look ADORABLE in there, surrounded by plastic necklaces, whistles and Gummy Worms?

Furthermore, your idea is probably going to help this crippled economy tremendously by reducing the unemployment rates. Because schools will be required to hand out condoms to everyone and anyone, no matter what the age, and without parental consent, they will have no other choice but to hire an army of school nurses to handle the spike in the number of STD cases.

Beth Singer, like I said . . . you are BRILLIANT! I am 100% certain that you aren’t a parent, and couldn’t possibly understand the endless joy we parents get from raising our sweet little children, and instilling in them good values and moral integrity. So to reward you, instead, I suggest that the school board give you a big promotion for creating all this change that we can believe in.

Maybe you could even run for President!

Dan Wozniak Fooled Us All

In 2005, my two daughters were bitten by the acting bug and auditioned for the cast of “The Music Man,” produced by Orange County Children’s Theater (OCCT). The lead role, the actual Music Man himself, was played by Dan Wozniak. The now-infamous Dan Wozniak. You know . . . the guy from Costa Mesa who just murdered two people in Orange County, California, severing the head and limbs of his first victim without nary a nudge from his conscience, and then shot an innocent woman to cover up his first crime, making it appear as though his first victim killed his second one?

Today, I am angry that I was fooled. I’ve always prided myself on being such a good judge of character, a learned skill that has steered me clear of several potentially bad relationships.

Dan was a great local actor. A rising community theater star, who we have since learned, had staged his entire life. Little did anyone know how eerily good of an actor he really was. The perpetually happy guy with the aw-shucks personality and gentle disposition, the guy who everyone loved and admired – including both my daughters -- was not the gentle soul he pretended to be. Underneath all that fake niceness was a killer. It’s shocking. I mean, who would have known?

Certainly not Brittany, who is undoubtedly counting her lucky stars today. I forgot Brittany's last name, but she was a longtime member of OCCT who starred alongside Dan in a number of shows. Dan and Brittany became an item. Kind of romantic, when you think about it. But what made that pairing so odd that summer-- and a little scandalous, as I recall -- was that Brittany was only 16 years old to Dan's 20 years. I believe they got engaged or were talking about getting engaged. I don't remember. But I do recall some parents thinking, "Isn't that statutory rape?" When I first heard about the heinous murders committed by Dan, my thoughts went immediately to Brittany, whose heart was broken, in the end, by this creep, who was rumored to have cheated on her. If you never got over Dan, Brittney, now would be a good time.

I read somewhere that Dan had told a close confidant, “I always knew I would kill someone someday. I just didn’t know who or when.”

It makes me wonder . . . was Dan harboring those psychopathic thoughts when he was sharing the stage with all those kids from Orange County Children’s Theater those many years? What was he thinking when he put his arms around my two daughters and posed for one picture after the next? As a parent, the idea that I let a psychopathic killer get that close to my children and win my trust gives me the creeps!

Even more disturbing . . . why was a man in his 20s still involved in children's theater??

Dan was ALWAYS smiling and joking around, and I remember walking up to him in the green room once, giving him a hug, and telling him what a nice guy he was and how much I admired his talent and positive energy. About three years later, I ran into Dan at the Verizon store on Beach Blvd. where he had recently become employed. I gave him a hug that I now wish I could take back, and with that animated smile he was so loved for, he told me that he was doing great and dabbling in a little local theater. That was the last time I ever saw cheery ol’ Dan Wozniak.

The last OCCT play my daughters were in was “Once Upon A Mattress,” directed by, who else, but Dan “the ax man” Wozniac. Dan did a brilliant job of directing, and the play got rave reviews. (Well, I don’t really remember if that was true. But I loved it, anyway.) A directorial star was born that opening night, and I had this feeling we’d be hearing a lot more from Dan in the future.

I was right. I just didn’t expect the news to be so grisly . . . and SO disappointing.