Condoms For Kids? Brilliant!

Beth Singer, you should be so proud of yourself! As the superintendent of schools for Provincetown, Massachusetts, you are probably under tremendous pressure to start teaching our children the ways of the Left as early in their sweet lives as possible. I’m sure that the schoolchildren are getting pretty tired of singing that Obama anthem every morning. “…We can change the world … yes we can, can CAN!” Catchy little tune, it is. But even Lady Gaga gets a little old and tired when you’ve heard “Poker Face” for the zillionth time.

So before you lose the children’s rapt, hypnotic attention – and the faith and confidence from the state of Massachusetts -- you’ve come up with a BRILLIANT idea! A radical change we can all believe in:

“LET’S GIVE SCHOOLCHILDREN CONDOMS!”

After all, we know how sexually active those first-graders can be, the little bunnies -- especially on the first day of school. All that nervous, excited energy can now be used constructively. Instead of chaos on the playground, girls and boys can now be encouraged to play more “cooperatively” with a little one-on-one time.

In fact, may I suggest that we get rid of all the playground equipment and replace those playful pieces with cozy chaise lounges and water-bed-like bouncy houses. You may want to keep the swings, however, for the more advanced condom-users – wink, wink!

I also suggest you put a contingency plan in place to handle all the demand. We wouldn’t want our little sweeties to have to stand too long in line waiting for their free condoms, especially when those wild sexual urges kick in. You know how horny second-graders can be!

Beth, I’m not sure you realize how brilliant you really are, because your one, single ruling to give children as young as 6 years old condoms, if they ask for it, has inadvertently opened up new channels of commerce.

Toys R Us can now have a “Children’s Adult Entertainment” aisle, where you can pick up all the latest sex toys and contraptions to enhance all that puppy love. I am SO excited that I will have more choices to make when it comes to buying the standard, boring birthday gift. And all the moms who are planning the birthday parties will be thrilled to know that they can save a little money by purchasing a Party Pack of colorful condoms to stuff in the goody bags. Won’t they look ADORABLE in there, surrounded by plastic necklaces, whistles and Gummy Worms?

Furthermore, your idea is probably going to help this crippled economy tremendously by reducing the unemployment rates. Because schools will be required to hand out condoms to everyone and anyone, no matter what the age, and without parental consent, they will have no other choice but to hire an army of school nurses to handle the spike in the number of STD cases.

Beth Singer, like I said . . . you are BRILLIANT! I am 100% certain that you aren’t a parent, and couldn’t possibly understand the endless joy we parents get from raising our sweet little children, and instilling in them good values and moral integrity. So to reward you, instead, I suggest that the school board give you a big promotion for creating all this change that we can believe in.

Maybe you could even run for President!

Dan Wozniak Fooled Us All

In 2005, my two daughters were bitten by the acting bug and auditioned for the cast of “The Music Man,” produced by Orange County Children’s Theater (OCCT). The lead role, the actual Music Man himself, was played by Dan Wozniak. The now-infamous Dan Wozniak. You know . . . the guy from Costa Mesa who just murdered two people in Orange County, California, severing the head and limbs of his first victim without nary a nudge from his conscience, and then shot an innocent woman to cover up his first crime, making it appear as though his first victim killed his second one?

Today, I am angry that I was fooled. I’ve always prided myself on being such a good judge of character, a learned skill that has steered me clear of several potentially bad relationships.

Dan was a great local actor. A rising community theater star, who we have since learned, had staged his entire life. Little did anyone know how eerily good of an actor he really was. The perpetually happy guy with the aw-shucks personality and gentle disposition, the guy who everyone loved and admired – including both my daughters -- was not the gentle soul he pretended to be. Underneath all that fake niceness was a killer. It’s shocking. I mean, who would have known?

Certainly not Brittany, who is undoubtedly counting her lucky stars today. I forgot Brittany's last name, but she was a longtime member of OCCT who starred alongside Dan in a number of shows. Dan and Brittany became an item. Kind of romantic, when you think about it. But what made that pairing so odd that summer-- and a little scandalous, as I recall -- was that Brittany was only 16 years old to Dan's 20 years. I believe they got engaged or were talking about getting engaged. I don't remember. But I do recall some parents thinking, "Isn't that statutory rape?" When I first heard about the heinous murders committed by Dan, my thoughts went immediately to Brittany, whose heart was broken, in the end, by this creep, who was rumored to have cheated on her. If you never got over Dan, Brittney, now would be a good time.

I read somewhere that Dan had told a close confidant, “I always knew I would kill someone someday. I just didn’t know who or when.”

It makes me wonder . . . was Dan harboring those psychopathic thoughts when he was sharing the stage with all those kids from Orange County Children’s Theater those many years? What was he thinking when he put his arms around my two daughters and posed for one picture after the next? As a parent, the idea that I let a psychopathic killer get that close to my children and win my trust gives me the creeps!

Even more disturbing . . . why was a man in his 20s still involved in children's theater??

Dan was ALWAYS smiling and joking around, and I remember walking up to him in the green room once, giving him a hug, and telling him what a nice guy he was and how much I admired his talent and positive energy. About three years later, I ran into Dan at the Verizon store on Beach Blvd. where he had recently become employed. I gave him a hug that I now wish I could take back, and with that animated smile he was so loved for, he told me that he was doing great and dabbling in a little local theater. That was the last time I ever saw cheery ol’ Dan Wozniak.

The last OCCT play my daughters were in was “Once Upon A Mattress,” directed by, who else, but Dan “the ax man” Wozniac. Dan did a brilliant job of directing, and the play got rave reviews. (Well, I don’t really remember if that was true. But I loved it, anyway.) A directorial star was born that opening night, and I had this feeling we’d be hearing a lot more from Dan in the future.

I was right. I just didn’t expect the news to be so grisly . . . and SO disappointing.

Spewing Anger Over The Oil Spill

This morning, I saw some DISGUSTING video on Fox News. It was a live shot of the oil that is hemorrhaging from the leaky oil well in the Gulf of Mexico. It is beyond my comprehension that so much of that oily, smelly, noxious, chokingly thick petroleum has been gushing into our beautiful ocean for nearly two months now. How can anyone responsible for this disaster lay their head down on a pillow at night and sleep soundly for 6-8 hours while hundreds of thousands more gallons of killer goo pollute our oceans overnight?

My heart ACHES for all the sea life that has suffocated in that blanket of black death. Last I heard, they were sucking oil out of the lungs of sea turtles.

I love animals and have reverence for the life that is breathed into them, but I have always kept a respectful distance between me and whatever swims out there in the ocean. However, this oil spill has touched a very primal part of my soul, one that wants to take action and hop on the next plane and run down to the scene of the crime to help save these poor sea creatures. Similar to how I would make a mad dash outside brandishing a box of Band-Aids whenever my kids fell off their bikes . . . but on a more global level.

Even the sharks I have pity for, because they never saw this coming. You should at least give your enemies some fair warning before you attack. Remember Pearl Harbor?

I can understand the nature of this accident. But I’m mad as HELL that the problem hasn’t been fixed by now. Every hour that goes by that the oil continues to spew into the ocean, more sea life dies. More turtles choke to death. More dead dolphins wash ashore. More birds from the coastal preserves can’t fly because their wings are encased in petroleum.

This oil spill is their Armageddon, and we at the top of the food chain, the higher intelligence of all species, the ones in charge who have been given the charge to take care of these delicate and sacred creatures and preserve the life around them, WE have failed them miserably.

 

My Favorite Mother's Day Video

Stuff It, Walmart!

Everybody's going "green" these days. It's the new "black" of the marketing world. Hey, I'm all for conservation and sustainability and waste reduction and all that. I am a Native American, after all. But recently, the green movement has collided with my world. In case you haven't heard, Walmart is on a mission to reduce plastic bag use . . . how? By getting rid of them, altogether. That means that customers must either remember to bring their OWN bags to the store or . . . for 15 cents, buy Walmart's blue-clothy, politically correct recyclable bags.

It never fails, every time I go to Walmart, I always forget to bring my own bags. Mostly because my decision to shop there is usually SPONTANEOUS (a key word) and I don't make it a practice to drive around with a stash of empty grocery bags in my car. Do you?

So today I stop by Walmart to pick up a a few odds and ends. And that part is important. Odds and ends, meaning I bought a lot of loose stuff. I get to the checkout and DARN! -- I realized I forgot my bags again. Now, I REFUSE to pay 15 cents apiece for their recyclable bags because I think this whole "going green" thing is a scam by Walmart. I think they got rid of their plastic bags at a huge inconvenience to customers to force us to buy these recyclable bags and thereby create another stream of revenue for the company . . . all in the name of "conservation."

Sure, 15 cents doesn't sound like much, but when you multiply that by, say, five bags -- on the average -- per customer, TIMES the million or so customers that come through that place on a weekly basis, well, that's a helluva new revenue stream, Mr. Sam Walton.

So I told the clerk to wait on the next customer, and I ran out in the rain to my car to fetch the only thing I could think of that would hold these odds and ends that I bought -- a winter blanket, the one thing that I DO drive around with at all times. I ran back into the store, soaking wet by now, laid out the blanket in my cart, threw all my items into it, and then wrapped it up and twisted it like a giant piece of oragami -- praying the whole time that I didn't squoosh the bread.

The really fun part is when you get back to your car and you have to toss all these loose items into your trunk, pretty sure that they're going to roll around in every direction the entire ride home. Good thing I didn't buy any soda, which would have shot fizz into the air when I opened it and which probably would have rolled all over the bread, anyway.

I know everyone is applauding Walmart for "doing the right thing." Some companies are even following suit and have decided to deprive their customers of a means by which to carry their cherished purchases to the car, too. But I want you to know, Mr. Walton, that you have created a great inconvenience to many of your customers. Especially the ones who shop in your hallowed halls spontaneously.

You know, moms, like me, who make the spur-of-the-moment purchases that have made you the very rich man that you are today.

“Sex,” 52 times!

Have you seen the new teen drama on ABC called “The Secret Life of the American Teenager”? It’s attracting quite a throng of teenaged fans – my 16-year-old daughter, included. “Critics are raving about it!” screams the 20-second promo. My teenager makes sure she DVRs it every Monday night, just in case she has too much homework to watch it live.

I had never seen “Secret Life,” but assumed it was about all the normal teen-angst stuff: boys, school, bitchy girls, fashion trends, anxiety over college, that kind of thing. So one night after my daughters were in bed, I decided to watch one of the DVR’d shows.

OH. MY. GAWD!!!

The lead actress is this 16-year-old girl-next-door (with a WEIRD sister) who had a baby with a guy at her school, who happens to now be in love with some other girl who hates the baby momma and creates all kinds of drama.

It's like “Juno” meets “Dallas.”

Then you have all these subplots involving other teenagers who are all trying to get laid in one form or another. It’s a stupid and ridiculous storyline, if you ask me.

Which has me wondering . . . are the writers in Hollywood on strike again? Because I think they replaced REAL writers -- you know, people with an imagination and a gifted facility for words -- with unimaginative idiots who know only three words: sex, condoms and masturbation. Because that’s really all these teen stars ever talk about.

It’s an hour-long show, and when you subtract commercials, there’s probably about 45 minutes of the actual program. Just for grins, I thought I’d count the number of times the word “sex” came up.

Ready for this? I kid you not, the word “sex” was mentioned 52 times in 45 minutes! For all you math dunces, like me, it means that more than once every minute, someone on that show squeezes sex into the conversation somehow.

I mean, really! Is that even remotely realistic? I wonder, when my teenaged daughter is watching this, does she think this is NORMAL? How many times do YOU use the word "sex" in a normal conversation on any given day? Yeah, I know. "Sex sells!" But this is overkill. And believe me, it makes for a VERY BORING hour.

Let me tell you, if this is even the slightest bit representative of what is really going out there in Teen Land, I think we parents should give some serious consideration to sending our teens off to that nice little resort where Tiger Woods has been spending much of his time lately, trying to recover from his own addiction to . . . . SEX!!

There. I said it. Seven times.