Wednesday, June 10, 2009

What A Bunch Of Boobs!

Helmet and ball

Softball is a great sport for young girls. Even for old girls, like me. I played softball for 30 years, believe it or not. (And no, I’m not a lesbian!) I know what you’re thinking: “I didn’t know they had leagues in the womb!” But really, I’m a lot older than I look. I usually tell people that I’m 39.99, plus shipping and handling.

Really, though, I love softball. I was a fast-pitch pitcher, and later I slow-pitched. I commanded the mound for nearly three decades, then hung up my cleats after a softball accident a few years ago. Long story short, I fell on my head running to first base, after tearing my hamstring and groin muscle simultaneously.

Lesson No. 1: Always, ALWAYS stretch before the game.
Lesson No. 2: When you play with lesbians, you're bound to take a licking eventually.

Anyway, I wasn’t going to let a near-death experience sideline me. (Well, maybe I’m exaggerating.) So I jumped in to help coach my 11-year-old’s team this year. The Stingers. Black shorts, yellow jerseys. Cute little buggers. Coaching isn’t the same as being out in the field and actually playing. Nope. It’s even MORE fun!

My daughter played in a city league, with girls ranging in age from 6 to 14. The little ones were so precious. Their tube socks nearly covered their entire legs and the girls were almost as tall as their bats. One team had the most creative team name I’ve ever heard: Babes Ruthless. Isn’t that clever??

Now that I’ve set the scene, it’s time to whine/bitch about something that’s been bothering me for a while, but I held my tongue until after the season was over because I didn’t want my opinions to color the way my daughter might have been treated in the league.

Here’s my beef, summed up in a picture:

Does anyone else think it’s odd for Hooters to be sponsoring a young girls’ softball league? Does that seem a little out of place to you? That would be like the Jewish American League sponsoring Oktoberfest. Or me getting back together with my ex-husband. It’s kind of a mismatch.

Think about that for a minute: First off, the word “hooters” is downright demeaning to women. It’s a guy word, obviously. I don’t know any woman who refers to her breasts as “hooters,” and you know why? Because it’s degrading, guys! So why would you slap the word “Hooters” on a large, vinyl banner and hang it up on the fence of the main softball diamond for all those impressionable young girls to see?

“Coach Danny, what's a ‘Hooters?'"

One Saturday, an adult in an owl suit showed up to cheer on some of the young players. He was escorted by a gal in tight pants and a belly-baring top who was passing out restaurant coupons. The attention-grabbing owl was from Hooters. Get it?

I was stunned, then outraged. No one else seemed to be bothered by this invasion of innocence. Exposing young girls to the world represented by Hooters can contribute to their early sexualization, don’t you know? Studies have shown that early sexualization of girls can lead to eating disorders, depression and low self-esteem. Certainly the opposite of what we are trying to instill in our daughters through their participation in a team sport.

And what’s a family supposed to do with the coupons, anyway? Take their daughters to Hooters for some half-priced wings to see more young women in tight shirts and barely-there shorts being ogled by “hungry” male guests? I can’t verify this myself, but one of my readers told me that some of the less-endowed waitresses even walk around wearing signs on their shirts that say, “Tip me. I’m saving up for a boob job.”

Alexander Wang - Backstage - Fall 09 MBFW

I repeat: Hooters has NO business sponsoring a girls’ softball league. There are plenty of other businesses to tap into that would be more appropriate for this venue: Chuck E. Cheese, Knott's Berry Farm, Baskin and Robbins, Del Taco (just kidding on that one!).

And those who think it’s perfectly acceptable to take Hooters' money and hang their banners on our daughters' softball fields in exchange for a little “exposure,” well, you’re just a bunch of boobs!

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Jouda Mann said...

I want to argue that Hooters is just a restaurant, that it can be a family environment, and that there is nothing wrong with them sponsoring little league softball. I want to say that they are just getting involved in their community, and that they are contributing a valuable part of their resources to that cause.
But I can't.
A little back story: I was raised with my mom and two sisters, I have had two wives, and I have two daughters. Having lived in the Sea of Estrogen all my life, I am about as familiar with the female mindset as any heterosexual male can be.
I went to Hooters once, and I would prefer to never go again. It's like a PG-13 strip club. They wear as little as possible, they're managed by a fully dressed guy who is absolutely full of himself (and is likely getting some trim on the side from the two with the lowest self esteem), and the girls act just like they are in a nude bar. They come up to you, they push their boobs in your face, and they flirt with you. If you care to look, all you see is the dollar signs in their otherwise empty eyes. If you think they're really into you, you're an idiot. They're just here for the cash, man.
And oh, how some foolish men fall for it. Some of the smarter ones actually bring their sons, so that the young impressionable mind can see how Dad treats women, making sure that the glass ceiling stays firmly intact and holding for another generation. But many men are regulars, just like in strip clubs. They are convinced, in their addled minds, that if only the girl didn't have a boyfriend, she would totally give him a shot. The boyfriend is totally fake, by the way. At least the one that she's telling you about. She hasn't had a steady boyfriend in years. Oh, and she's not 22 either, she's 27. And that pouch on her belly isn't a Summer of not working out, it's a Winter of being pregnant with her third kid from the second guy, neither of which she was ever interested in marrying.
So yeah. I never went back to Hooters. It took me an hour to wash off the oppression, desperation, and guilt that is palpable in there.
It's not a place I would ever take my daughters, and I can't blame you, Lynn for not wanting them sponsoring yours.

Lynn said...


What a refreshing take by a man on the whole Hooters experience! I've never met a guy with a working penis who didn't think that Hooters was one of Man's greatest creations. And most of the women I hang out with can't stand to go there. No, we're not "JEALOUS" of these women, as some guys might accuse. The more appropriate emotion is embarrassment, with a side order of disgust. Hooters is like a brothel with fries. Sure, these women have great bodies. But I did, too, at their age -- minus the Double-D boob job.

One of the most adorable, and equally pathetic, things about men is that they are so easily aroused by a sexy woman. Put a Pam Anderson-type woman in front of them, and they turn into lap dogs. The genius behind Hooters understands this basic instinct and has capitalized on this weakness in men.

And these Hooters gals have discovered, too, that the way to a man's wallet is through his groin. They're TWITs . . . Trophy Wives In Training. I would never encourage my daughters to work at a PG-13 strip club like this, as you put it. I teach them to AIM HIGHER!

The promising news is that the Hooters in Newport Beach closed down. I was in Balboa yesterday and noticed that the Hooters that sat right on the harbor, where men could conveniently park their big boats and walk a few feet to see some hooters, has now become a sushi place -- and I know there's a joke in there somewhere!

ivan said...

Jouda Mann, Never really been to hooter but its one of those places I would really hate, hate the perverts there and the fake women that are as fake as their boobs, I would like to point out that you are a real man. To others I bet you seem like a "fag" or "queer" but actually men like you show more class and more manliness than all the horny men in hooters that cant get some!
Keep it up Jouda Mann...

Anonymous said...

Jouda Mann is really trying to get in to Mad moron's pants.keep blowing smoke up her ass,you transparent pile of shit.You're bound to get your fingers into those 700 Club approved panties sooner or later.

Oh,and mad moron,just lock your fucking snowflakes in teh frigging attic,and stop with your righteous winger bullshit.

Felonius Monk said...

I hope that's not your kid.I mean,what kind of idiot posts pics of tehir child on teh Internet?

Oh,the one trying to protect them from all the perverts.

there's some kind of irony in that.

And I agree with Anon.Jouda Mann is just trying to at leats get a little cyber action going.maybe he'll get a little crotch taco IRL,and meet the kiddies on top of that.

Lynn said...

Dear Anonymous and Felonius,

Hey! I've missed you guys! Where ya been? Are you two-timing me? Have you been spewing your hatred and vitriol on someone else's blog? I'm hurt, guys. Really, I am. I thought we meant more to each other than that.

So, what you're really saying is that men have no interest in having an intelligent exchange of ideas with women, like the back and forth between Jouda and me. That there is always an ulterior motive, and that of course is SEX, right? Or as Anonymous has so eloquently put it, "getting his fingers into my panties."

I think this may be more the way YOU operate, Anonymous. Which could very well explain why, instead of being out on a date or with friends on a Friday night, you are sitting alone at a keyboard pounding out angry blasts to complete strangers.

Just for shits and grins, try talking to a woman this weekend without the main objective being to get your fingers in her "crotch taco (you say the sweetest things, Felonius!)."

You may be surprised by how manly you really feel. Because I have a hunch that this vulgar frat-boy shtick you've been hiding behind just ain't impressing the ladies much, is it?

Jouda Mann said...

Ah Anon, how good to see your blight on this blog!
I recall a reply from someone on the DelTaco post saying that Lynn should be afraid because she has garnered the attention of /b. All of the anons of the intertubes can be sure that I am up to the challenge.
I am of your world, Anon. I believe in net neutrality, I am somewhat of a conspiracy theorist, and I troll the boards too. I can also write six different kinds of code, and I can take advantage of your software weaknesses as well as you can take advantage of mine.
I am also of this world. You know, the real one, where stronger people are the bullies, where you are weak and small, where people don't vote for that crazy fuck Ron Paul, and where you have to create your own internet based world to live in so that you can get by without an emotional implosion. I know that the only thing between you and a national headline are the chansluts and the /cake. When you do leave the house, it's so that you can go and get some more funyuns and MtDew to get you through the next raid.
You come on to this site, not because you were reading the blog, but because you read about someone reading about reading the blog, and you had to come and make fun of someone so that you could have a little self worth in this, the REAL world. The one that's not made of over-hyped cartoon characters.
Let me clue you in to some things, Anon.
First, I live in Texas, Lynn lives in So Cal. While both could rightly be described as Northern Mexico, she and I are separated by a vast distance. To give some of you a clue as to just how big Texas is, I could drive roughly 8.5 hours to El Paso, take a piss, have a snack, get a truckstop shower, and look at a map, and I'm STILL only half way to L.A. I live in a college town, Anon. That means I can go out, have a few beers, take a stab at open mic comic stand up, impress at least one girl, and have at least one good romp before you have decided whether to make your armour green and yellow, or yellow and green.
While I'm sure I could have great fun with Lynn were she here or I there, I'm not driving over a thousand miles for snatch that could be had right here at home.
In short, Anon, it's hot here in Texas, and I've been brewing up a bowl of ball soup all day, just for you. Drink up, biotches.
Felonius Monk, didn't I already teach you that when grownups are talking, you shouldn't? Of course you agree with someone. That's all you ever do, because you haven't had an original thought since that nice uncle of yours found your little peeny for you. And then he went away for a long time, and now your mom doesn't talk about him. Aww. Think for yourself, and then come back and try again. Until then, where is your Scooty Puff Jr.?

Lynn said...

OMJ! Jouda - You. Crack. Me. Up! Once I stop laughing I will respond properly. LOL!!!!!!!!!!

Lynn said...


OK, I'm back. Gained my composure. I swear, Guy, in the War of Words, you are the clear and decisive winner! I noticed that Anon and Felonius haven't yet responded to your hilarious verbal assault. You are TOO good at this! LOVED the line about Funyuns and Mt. Dew! And the reference to his perverted uncle . . . HILARIOUS!

With all due respect, I am glad I was never married to you. Fighting with you would never be fair. I hope I don't ever get on your bad side -- AGAIN!

If you don't write for a living, you really should. Although writing as a career is quickly becoming obsolete. Mostly because idiots like Felonius and Anon think that just because they have a keyboard, people want to hear what they have to say.

Thank you for coming to my rescue. Although I was married to a pretty mean guy at one time, so I'm a tough cookie. I can take whatever these Farkers dish out. But I do appreciate the chivalry and the brutal honesty you wield as your weapon. You are my Lancelot, my Savior, my Barack Obama. (Couldn't resist that jab! Sorry!)

Not only aren't these guys living in the real world, they aren't even remotely connected to the world of parenting, which is the backdrop for my blog. They have no business making any comments here.

I have two questions for you. What is this "/b" that you guys are referring to? And for God's sake, what is a "Scooty Puff Jr.?"

Jouda Mann said...

To understand the Scooty Puff Jr., you must be a fan of Futurama, a show that was cancelled before it's time, and might be making a comeback.
Synopsis explaining the Scooty Puff Jr., including pic goodness:
But it's SO much better if you actually watch it.

As for /b:
For the most part, they are image based bulletin boards that are put up by people that have similar interests in mind, and they are patrolled by people like Felonius and Anonymous, who are somewhat skanky in their likes. Overall are about as harmless as a homeless guy who gives more food to his stray dog than he eats himself. I was mainly dropping the reference for some cred.

Lynn said...

Thanks for the explanations, Jouda. Yep, we ARE from different worlds!

Jouda Mann said...

Lynn, I thought you would enjoy this:,27753,25808208-5017672,00.html
It seems that the parent company of the Australia division of Hooters has gone bankrupt. I read it and thought of you. This only seems to be in Australia, but I figured it would give you a giggle.