Sunday, May 24, 2009


I won’t argue that the Del Taco horse is beaten and long dead. Trust me, I don’t want to resurrect that big stink! But you may have missed the last few responses that have trickled in. FINALLY, my people have come out of the shadows in my defense. Where the HELL have you been? You left me all alone, defending myself against an angry mob with nothing but a sharp tongue. Anyway, I’m glad you finally showed up.

But one response in particular stands out because it’s from one of the loudest critics of me in this fray. His name is Jouda Mann. Probably not his real name, but still. He’s a Farker, and what I love about his final response to me is that he GETS me! Jouda is right on the money about who I am and my purpose behind writing this blog: It’s where I go to scream when something’s bothering me. Where I let it all out and gain composure before I blend seamlessly and sanely back into the mainstream. I don’t bitch and whine all the time. But I do it all the time here.

This world is full of so many different people and viewpoints. Just look at what’s going on in the Middle East. But that doesn’t mean that it has to get ugly. Less prejudgments and more tolerance can go a long way. Thank you, Jouda, for demonstrating this.

I copied Jouda’s response below so that you don’t have to go fishing for it. But before you read it, take a look at this video. For those of you who don’t quite understand a mother’s primal instinct to nurture and protect her children, this might enlighten you some. It’s also a wonderful testament to how two different species can get along in this mad world, if only we come from a place of understanding.

Jouda Mann said...

For the first question, I live in Texas, and I have never even seen a DelTaco. But I do have an analytical mind, and I know that the figures I cam to might not be accurate, but they're close.

As for snowflakes:The Urban Dictionary defines "Precious Snowflake" thus:Child of extremely overprotective and/or self-absorbed parents. Coddled from birth, their mommy and daddy will get stupid, ludicrous rules added or changed because they cannot fathom the idea that their kid might have to learn humility. Often turn out to be stuck-up, spoiled pains in the ass because they get everything they want.We Farkers, as you have labeled us, use that term to indicate our disgust with people who seem to show us these traits.

I think that the reason you have garnered this attention from the Alt community is because many of them know how to read words, but they do not know how to read the correct inflection in the words. They just assume that you are another butthurt loud mouthed mom who's gonna raise a big stink.However, in your case, I will admit that it's unfair.

I took the time to read some of your blog posts, and while you do come off as somewhat standoffish and a little uppity, one can see that you have taken up these blogs as a way to blow off steam. I can also tell that while you are concerned about the welfare of people in general, and your children and their friends in particular, you don't take yourself as seriously as it might appear on the surface.

Actually, since you and I got over jabbing at each other, and talked to each other as human beings, I can tell that we would probably have some very interesting conversations. You be Shawn Hannity, but with less Crazy, and I'll be Kieth Olberman, but with less smug attitude and condescension.

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Felonius Monk said...


Oh,my!You found another asshat to agree with your puritanical bullshit1I read your words,and I understood them.

It's very simple;you're a priggish,neurotic idiot who should have never bred,who finds threats in small places,oblivious to the what really threatens her and her crotchfruit,and who thinks she has the right,and the ability,to censor anything that offends her narrow mind.

You need to move to Texas.I understand that bunch of clenched-ass wingers are getting ready to secede,and declare Jesustan.I think you'd really fit in.

TheDevil said...

How wonderful to be able to think in nuance like Felonious. He reads her words and "understood them". I am sure I speak for many of us in this forum when I say we can’t begin to imagine his intellect. Unlike the rest of us, has the capacity to grasp complex thoughts. He sees the connection between CFCs & ozone or CO2 & global warming. We see the cumulative effect of litter and in our tiny brains imagine the same could be true for our children’s minds. While the rest of us struggle with “ever litter bit hurts” Mr. Monk knows in his soul, it’s more than a piece of paper… it’s trash. Behold the day when we can all stop doing our part, picking up litter and such, and shift our focus to the complex thoughts that occupy the mind of Felonious.

This is his genius, his special capacity, a talent. He been able to ignore what he knows about the cumulative effects of garbage in other disciplines. By ignoring the obvious he has been able to rid his mind of the shackles of common sense. He has used this sixth sense to realize that children are immune to the cumulative effects of garbage. To know, without a doubt that that there is no consequence to peppering our youth with sexual innuendo. Oh, to be the child of Felonious. He can triage his thoughts with such clarity. To know your place as a child in relation vulgarity.

It is his commitment to vulgarity, something bigger than himself that is so compelling. Most would not take on such an endeavor. Our dim drooling wits can’t come to terms with the critical need for vulgarity in the public square. I have heard from several sources that Felonious can squat down and take a dump in front of perfect strangers without reservation. This should be the goal of all mankind. Our right to squat comes before any culture’s mores.

Is there any evidence that children are moved by what they see and hear? Can children really be inspired at an early age? Oh sure, now and then, Olympians, pro ball players, actresss, teachers, musicians, policemen, firemen, doctors, architects, writers. These occurrences are probably, so rare it is hardly worth the mention. Those that accomplish much in their lives often point to childhood inspiration. Who trusts childhood memories.

More of our institutions should be involved in the promotion of vulgarity. Hugh Hefner should be a spokesman for more than just Carl’s Jr. The tagline, “Because some guys don’t want the same thing day after day”. Doesn’t that say it all? Indiscriminant sex is what we all should aspire to. What father does not look forward to the day when his daughter is referred to as bagged? Bagged or nailed, they are just words describing a sort of a sport mentality. We bag elephants and lions don’t we? Felonious is mistaken about one thing. There was much less sexual innuendo on TV in 1969. I am sure he misspoke, as his superior intellect would not allow such an obvious gaff. But, is that what we want? Not one scene of a couple in bed. Where’s the entertainment in that? Watch Andy Griffith, sure they have great stories that could bring a tear to your eye, but where’s the sex. Let’s not forget the importance of vulgarity. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we could all be a little more vulgar? Focus on drinking,finding small enclosed places to break wind and free porn. These are the things that make life meaningful.

For those of you that wonder at my perfect synchronicity with to such superior intellect. I have one word for you.“new”. It is so simple it is brilliant. Underneath his complex nuance is simplicity. I have studied his logic and have found the single thread that binds his brilliance. New is always better. A horse, a car. A knife, a gun. Respect, contempt. Decency, vulgarity. Out with the old, and in with the new. No longer do we need to consider motives or consequences. As it turns out, thinking in nuance is actually a waste of energy. There is no right or wrong. Who started a fight? who cares! What we need is massive change. Think new!

Anonymous said...


The Devil sure is an anal motherfucker,is he not?

Felonius Monk said...

The Devil:Kinda sucks to get into a pissing contest when the other guy refuses to join in,doesn't it?

Jouda Mann said...

Lynn, feel free to correct me on any assumptions that I make. I feel that I have to answer a blog post that was dedicated specifically to me, and also to address a few jackasses.
Felonious Monk: Your profile states that "Nothing is as important as my happiness. Nothing".
Apparently you are happy in making assumptions about people and their motivations when they don't completely jibe with yours. I can guarantee that you are one of the deep yawning vortexes of suck that make some parts of Missouri completely unbearable. In your effort to escape the torment that you have suffered in school, work, and social life, you have become the bully that you despised. Sadly, you will never be able to emulate the improvisational style of your namesake Thelonious Monk, and instead you will fall back to your old comfortable habits. Ridicule that which you do not understand, and then wonder why no one ever invites you to the cool parties. You strike me as more of a Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons than anything else. Sadly, you probably feel smug and self satisfied in this assessment, and you don't understand the disdain with which I say it. You are your own punishment. I feel no sympathy in wishing you many years of contentment with yourself. But for now, here's a Scooty Puff Junior. Go Play. The Grownups are talking.
TheDevil, when you post, I have to go take a shower to wash off the sarcasm that you spew through my screen. I understand that you are replying to vitriol with more vitriol, but in your effort to drown out the senseless nonsense, you are only spewing more of the same, just of a different flavor. Your brand of vitriol smacks of too much wine with the cheese course, and the faint aroma of jet exhaust from your nose being so high in the air. You, just like your friend Felonius up there, contribute nothing to the conversation except that which amuses you. It's a form of mental masturbation for both of you, in that it only serves to please your own egos. So a Scooty Puff Junior for you too, and a trio of small trailers to tow behind it, with which to carry your overblown ego, all that needless vocabulary, and your overgrown sense of smugness.

Jouda Mann said...

Now that that little bit of unpleasantness is over, thanks are in order for you, Lynn, for dedicating the post to me.
I have spoken before of the trouble with reading print, in that sometimes it's hard to read the inflecction in the type. So I have to admit that I have some reservations about the post. Is it genuine? Are you really happy that someone from the Alt community "gets" you? Or are you making fun in a small way? Sometimes it's so hard to read the inflection in print. Sigh.
Regardless, let me say this about me, and some assumptions that might be flying around about me.
First, I don't believe in most conventionally held versions of God, and I do accept the findings of the scientific community. One is invisible, and the other is not. One is knowable, and the other is not. I prefer to keep my mind focused on the visible and the knowable.
I was born and grew up in Texas, but that does not mean that I am of the same conservative mind that most Texans are. I prefer to see a set of circumstances, and come to my own conclusions. Sometimes those conclusions differ wildly from the conventional.
I am Liberal on some issues, and conservative on others. My Liberal interpretation of freedom allows me to say whatever I want even if it offends you, and that my freedoms don't stop when your feelings are hurt. My Conservative side tells me that immigrants are welcome, but illegal immigrants are not.
I am a father to two daughters, ages 12 and 13 (yes, I started young, and quick), by the same mother, and I am divorced and soon to remarry.
I also love debating, and your blog is actually what started this current round of give and take. I'm glad that you have welcomed me.
Thank you.

Jouda Mann said...

Also, you posted this on my birthday. What a lovely birthday present. I would have answered sooner, but I was too busy with a week of eating, drinking and general debauchery, and then another week of the same for my girlfriend's birthday, which was on the 29th. Add in two hung over days for recuperation, and that's why it took me so long to reply. I love the end of May. I get presents, nice dinners that I don't pay for, and then I have the luxury of not remembering why my face is painted like The Penguin in magic marker. Ah. Summer fun.

Lynn said...

I poked my head into Mad Mom tonight to scream about something new, and to my great surprise -- and amusement (thank you so much, Jouda!) -- I found all this bloody pulp from a vicious Fark Fight. Jouda, YOU CRACK ME UP! You are quite the wordsmith, and if you don't make a living putting sentences together, you really ought to. "Deep yawning vortexes of suck" . . . it doesn't get any better than that. I can only hope that one day I'll be able to insult people the masterful way that you can. (A girl's gotta dream!) And no, I wasn't making fun of you. I was thanking you in my own special way for coming to my rescue and for retracting your previous judgments of me. You and I have much in common, believe it or not. I hail from Texas originally, too. Waco, to be exact. Or is that Whacko, thanks to David Koresh? The older I get, the more conservative I become. But I started my journey with very liberal leanings, too. You described your political stance much better than I am able to describe mine, and all I can say is that I concur with most everything you said. I'd really describe myself as non-partisan, and prefer to vote on issues and candidates as I see fit, without feeling allegiance to any specific party. I'm a single parent, too. So I know you have a heart. And I'm with you all the way on the illegal immigration thing. I live in Northern Mexico, the U.S. territory previously known as Southern California. I swear these illegal immigrants are taking over California one baby stroller at a time! Enough of my rambling . . . Happy Late Birthday, Jouda. And congratulations on your impending nuptials!

Jouda Mann said...

Ah Waco. Wherever I find myself within 50 miles of that lovely little college town, I make it a point to divert the road trip to Katie's, a little frozen custard stand right off the Baylor campus. This place has been there for 50 years, and has not changed one tiny bit in all that time. Still bordered with stainless steel square print on the edges and front - possibly original to the structure - and you have to walk up to get your custard. Still run by teenagers who are as nice as you could ask for.
For those of you who do not know what frozen custard is, it's ice cream. But unlike regular ice cream, it is frozen and mixed very slowly, so as not to mix air into it, and to create smaller ice crystals. The result is a product that cannot be described in it's richness and happiness inducing flavor. The Gods weep at the sight of a Caramel Turtle.
As for the blood on your blog: my father was a Marine, and he taught me the ways of a gentleman. One of the greatest lessons he taught me was that I should never start a fight, but if I was in one, I should end it as quickly and effectively as possible. When Felonius incorrectly labeled me and "put me in a box", I simply could not let that stand. I hate being compartmentalized. You can be sure that I will never fit totally into any one box.
I'm glad I made you laugh, Lynn. Now on to the next post. What's got your panties in a twist now?

Jouda Mann said...

Oh, and one more thing. You're in Communications, a writer and editor, and you say that I have great writing skills. Are you offering me something to do with my embarrassing amount of free time?
As long as it pays about as well as waiting tables or delivering pizzas, I'm in.

Lynn said...


I'm going to respond to two of your responses with one. First off, I know all about the custard vs. ice cream debate. My parents used to treat us to a custard at Dairy Queen many, many Sundaes ago (couldn't resist the play on words. Sorry!) You're right, it is much richer and creamier than ice cream. I never knew why, and I never really cared why. But thanks to your edification, I am well-educated on this finer point now. I am going to impress the hell out of people at the next party I'm invited to.

I'm a military brat, too. My father was an Air Force pilot. He taught me that the secret to a long and miserable marriage is to sign up for as many tours of duty as possible. Oh, and on dating, he offered these words of wisdom: "Keep your pants up and come home in a group."

Yes, I have a background in communications, writing and editing. But sorry to say, I do not have any work for you. The business of journalism has been turned on its head. I would advise you to continue waiting tables. At least there is a future there.

As for my next post, as soon as I get a free moment, I am ready to SCREAM!

Anonymous said...

Jouda Mann, you troll like a mad man. Did you write "Ah Waco. Wherever I find myself within 50 miles of that lovely little college town..."
Man I know for a fact now you can not be serious.
I have never met anyone who has been to Waco as lovely. Depressing, dirty, hell hole.

Jouda Mann said...

Anon, I didn't say I spent the night or that I knew people that live there. I was doing work there once, and i happened to get hooked on Katie's. Sure, I live in DFW, but I'm fat, and ice cream is a strong temptation.
And yes, it IS a lovely little town... for about 3 hours, then the depression and desperation runs me right outta there.