Are Men Capable Of Monogamy?

First off, a BIG thanks to Jouda Mann for his guest post about the Tiger Woods mess. Very interesting take on it, Jouda. You understand men all too well, and I am about to respond to you in my own special way.

Here goes . . . OK, Jouda, and all you other menfolk, I know I'm making a massive generalization here, but guys . . . why can't you be faithful to just ONE woman? Yeah, I know there are women who cheat, too. But if it's such an equal playing field, why aren't they making the headlines right along with you?

This Tiger Woods debacle is just the most recent scandal. Earlier this year, there was Governor Mark Sanford, who admitted to an affair with his Argentinian "soulmate;" and let's not forget David Letterman's very public indiscretions with some of his female staff; in recent years, basketball star Kobe Bryant went to court to defend his philandering ways and presidential contender Jon Edwards cheated on his wife when she had cancer, the creep!; and then there's Sheriff Mike Carona from Orange County, former President Bill Clinton, and on and on. I've lost track of all the rich and famous athletes, entertainers and politicians who have FABULOUS wives and lives, but who have been caught with their pants down, haven't you?

I heard an interesting statistic this morning on FOX News: One in 4.6 men cheat in America. Then the expert wisecracked, "The rest cheat in Europe!" That got the news crew on the set laughing. Funny, but oh-so-TRUE!

What I don't understand is, what EXACTLY do you want from us women, guys? We give you our hearts, our bodies, our trust and our youth; some of us even allow doctors to slice into us to make our boobs bigger and our thighs thinner for you; we build our nests together, share our intelligence and humor and merge our lives with yours; we sometimes put aside our own dreams to help buoy yours; we nourish you, and comfort you and boost your egos and even clean your dirty underwear; and the most bonding and sacred thing of all is that we create LIFE together!

Is that not enough for you?

I understand how men lose all sensibility over beautiful, sexy women. Women get weak in the knees over handsome men, too. But even when men are lucky enough to get beautiful women to marry them -- in Tiger's case, a SUPERMODEL, which is like winning the marital lottery for men -- they eventually seem to lose interest in these goddesses, too.

So it doesn’t seem to be beauty or sexiness you’re after. At least not long-term, which should be a huge relief for all the women out there who are spending wads of cash and undergoing risky surgeries to attract your attention and keep you in their beds. Don’t do it, ladies! You’ll get cheated on eventually, too, especially if you’ve committed yourself to some superficial jerk who places great value in having a sexy bosom by his side.

Personally, I have some serious doubts about whether some men are capable of monogamy. And I'm not alone in my thinking, either. (Read here.) Be honest now, guys. When you stand up at that altar and make a promise to forsake all others and love and cherish only one woman, do you REALLY mean it? Or are you just playing the role that society expects of you?

Perhaps you start out with the best of intentions. Then real life takes over, years go by, stress and responsibilities creep in, passion subsides, you get older, boredom sets in. You miss the great sex. I totally get that. We miss it, too. But I think the difference between men and women is that we believe (perhaps mistakenly) that the emotional and intimate bonds, the life histories, that we have created with our men are stronger than their sexual urges for other partners. They usually are for us women, anyway.

Hey, this is a GIGANTIC topic to discuss and I can’t possibly cover every angle. But I need to know something before I wrap this up. For all you guys who cheat on your wives and significant others, I have an important question for you:

Do you do it for the thrill of the chase or for the chase of the thrill? Think about that for a minute.

Whatever your reason, please do us ALL a favor. If you know in your hearts that you can’t be faithful to one woman, only, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, don’t marry us! Don’t have babies with us! Instead of saying, “I do,” be honest and say, “I’m sorry. I just can’t. There are too many other women I want to experience.” Think of all the time and heartache and airtime you’ll save everyone.

Or, here’s a more radical idea . . . instead of marrying a woman because she is GORGEOUS (at least in the beginning, until familiarity sets in), how about if you marry for LOVE?? Not lust, but real, true-blue, until-death-do-us-part love? And ladies, the same goes for you. Don’t marry a guy for what he makes, financially (golddigging being a big part of the problem in many cases); marry him for what he is made OF, instead.

I think if more couples married for love and scrutinized their mates for good character -- I mean if they were patient enough to wait to get married until they found partners who, in their eyes, were beautiful on the inside, as well as on the outside -- there would be far fewer public scandals, scorned women and rambling blog posts like this one.

So what do YOU think: Are men capable of monogamy?

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Love Shouldn't Hurt

Your home is supposed to be a safe place, a refuge from the stresses and storms of life. You shut your front door at night and gather around the warmth of kinship to relax, refuel and recharge. It feels so good to be home.

But for one out of every four women in this country, home is anything but safe. When she closes her door – reluctantly -- to the protection of the outside world, it triggers fear and a growing dread. She’s alone with the enemy -- her loved one, the one who is supposed to love her. But instead of kisses and hugs she gets fists and bruises. She cries and withdraws, he cools down and later is remorseful. They reconcile, there’s a honeymoon period and he promises never to hit her again. Then one day, out of nowhere, the vicious cycle of abuse starts all over again in her black-and-blue world: He didn’t like her dinner, or how long she was out shopping or the tone in her voice.

It’s a life lived on eggshells, a house of cards that could come crashing down at any moment.

Ashamed to face the truth, she becomes a great pretender in a doomed drama. And nobody, but the traumatized children, knows about it.

“It’s very difficult to reach out to victims because the core nature of domestic violence is isolation. Women are locked in by fear, shame, guilt and the traumatic bond between husband and wife,” says Vivian Clecak, founder of Human Options, a multi-service agency in Orange County, California, dedicated to the prevention of domestic violence, and the treatment and intervention for victims (humanoptions.org).

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, though it’s a cause that deserves our attention year-round. Violence against women and children in their own homes happens all the time. Every nine seconds a woman is battered in this country. And in at least 30% of the cases, children are assaulted, too. What’s more, domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women ages 15 to 44 -- more than rapes, muggings and car accidents combined.

True, every couple fights. But domestic violence is darker and cuts much deeper. It’s a pattern of physical, sexual and psychological attacks fueled by the abuser’s pathological need to control. “The cycle of abuse often starts verbally. Calling her stupid, treating her with disrespect, demeaning her,” Clecak explains. “It’s a slow, subtle wearing down of her personhood.

It’s not just a “trailer park” crime, either, as many would believe. Domestic violence is an equal opportunity destroyer, invading every ethnic, religious and economic strata of society. Yet, so much of it is hidden. Couldn’t possibly happen in your nice neighborhood? “The more affluent you are, the more hidden it is,” says Clecak: “A wealthy woman has more shame because she has a social position and children who also have a social identity.”

Sadly, it’s our young ones who really suffer. “We know that children are traumatized by the violence even if they’re never hit,” says Clecak. An astounding 33% of calls to Human Options’ hotline come from children. Too often, domestic violence is a searing torch passed to the next generation.

The good news is, education and outreach are working. “The most interesting thing about domestic violence in the last 20 years is the number of abusers murdered by their victims is way down,” claims Clecak. Homicides against victims is on the decline, too. Women are getting out of abusive relationships sooner. They now have places to turn for emergency shelter and transitional housing.

Changing the tide of domestic violence is a long, hard journey because it’s deeply rooted in society. “It comes from a long tradition of patriarchy that women are property.” In many cultures, it’s OK to beat your wife. But make no mistake . . . it’s a crime in this country.
The first step is always the hardest. If you’re in an abusive relationship, call a local shelter. “The most important thing a woman needs is to know she’s not alone, she’s not to blame.” Clecak makes a final plea.

It’s not going to get any better. You know that. So get help now while you and your children can still get out.

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