Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Tiger's Wood

Something smelled fishy from the start. Tiger Woods crashed his car into a fire hydrant right outside his home at 2:30 in the morning, and his wife bashed in one of the windows of his Escalade with a golf club to pull him to safety.


First of all, Escalades are huge cars. I don't really see how Tiger could have been "trapped" inside that ginormous vehicle. Besides, how much damage could he have done to the car from just backing out of the driveway into the fire hydrant? From the get-go, I suspected a domestic-violence situation, especially given the early-morning hour and the fact that his wife was brandishing a five-iron. Yes, I said brandishing, as I suspect she was planning to use that golf club as a weapon with which to beat her golf-legend-of-a-husband.

Poetry, Mrs. Woods. Pure poetry. (Click here for the musical version.)

Now ask yourself, why would a woman chase her husband out of the house, wielding a golf club, at 2:30 in the morning and create such fear and panic in him that he accelerates in reverse out of the driveway and crashes the family's SUV? The only thing that could cause a woman to go that ballistic is . . . another woman!

This is how I think it went down: I think Tiger Dear snuck out of bed around 2:15 a.m., thinking his wife was sound asleep, and dialed up his mistress on his cell phone to make plans for their get-together next week at the golf tournament. But the wife wasn't asleep. She overheard the conversation and went nuts. She grabbed the closest thing to a weapon that she could find -- a golf club, as they must have hundreds of those lying around the house -- and chased his cheatin' ass out the front door.

At a party Saturday night, I proposed that very scenario even before all the facts started trickling in. I told everyone that I thought he had a mistress, and the wife must have found out about it. What was interesting is the reaction I got from the men in the room. They suddenly turned on Tiger's wife, despite the fact the she is a supermodel -- every man's dream wife, right?

"Well, her husband brings home millions," they said in his defense. "She should be happy about that, but she probably nags him all the time and he just got sick of it."

I guess all those PGA titles and piles of cash somehow give the world's greatest golfer a hall pass in life. Just like it was beyond comprehension that the Heisman-tropy-winning O.J. could have ever murdered his ex-wife.

What really burned me today is an interview I saw on Fox News. I don't even know who the interviewee was, but the reporter asked him if he thought Tiger might have a mistress. And this guy had the nerve to say that if Tiger did have a mistress, it's going to make him even more popular because now other men would see how "human" Tiger really is.

Give me a break! I guess when you're the world's greatest athlete, and you have all the fame and fortune you could ever dream of, and you're married to a beautiful supermodel with whom you have two perfect children . . . it's just not enough for one man.

It's only "human" that he would be bored and want more.


Jouda Mann said...

This is gonna be a long one. You want to give me a guest spot on your blog, so I don't have to split it up? I'll email it to you, and you can post it if you want.

Lynn said...

Absolutely! Send away, Jouda!