“Sex,” 52 times!

Have you seen the new teen drama on ABC called “The Secret Life of the American Teenager”? It’s attracting quite a throng of teenaged fans – my 16-year-old daughter, included. “Critics are raving about it!” screams the 20-second promo. My teenager makes sure she DVRs it every Monday night, just in case she has too much homework to watch it live.

I had never seen “Secret Life,” but assumed it was about all the normal teen-angst stuff: boys, school, bitchy girls, fashion trends, anxiety over college, that kind of thing. So one night after my daughters were in bed, I decided to watch one of the DVR’d shows.

OH. MY. GAWD!!!

The lead actress is this 16-year-old girl-next-door (with a WEIRD sister) who had a baby with a guy at her school, who happens to now be in love with some other girl who hates the baby momma and creates all kinds of drama.

It's like “Juno” meets “Dallas.”

Then you have all these subplots involving other teenagers who are all trying to get laid in one form or another. It’s a stupid and ridiculous storyline, if you ask me.

Which has me wondering . . . are the writers in Hollywood on strike again? Because I think they replaced REAL writers -- you know, people with an imagination and a gifted facility for words -- with unimaginative idiots who know only three words: sex, condoms and masturbation. Because that’s really all these teen stars ever talk about.

It’s an hour-long show, and when you subtract commercials, there’s probably about 45 minutes of the actual program. Just for grins, I thought I’d count the number of times the word “sex” came up.

Ready for this? I kid you not, the word “sex” was mentioned 52 times in 45 minutes! For all you math dunces, like me, it means that more than once every minute, someone on that show squeezes sex into the conversation somehow.

I mean, really! Is that even remotely realistic? I wonder, when my teenaged daughter is watching this, does she think this is NORMAL? How many times do YOU use the word "sex" in a normal conversation on any given day? Yeah, I know. "Sex sells!" But this is overkill. And believe me, it makes for a VERY BORING hour.

Let me tell you, if this is even the slightest bit representative of what is really going out there in Teen Land, I think we parents should give some serious consideration to sending our teens off to that nice little resort where Tiger Woods has been spending much of his time lately, trying to recover from his own addiction to . . . . SEX!!

There. I said it. Seven times.

Christmas Blues? Think Again.

I wrote this piece a few years ago, but the sentiment has stood the test of time. It's worth another reminder:

This will be the first Christmas EVER without my daughters. When you get divorced and your children are split in two, you know this dreaded day will come eventually. It’s like April 15th in December. Looking back, I’ve been blessed with 12 wonder-filled Christmas mornings, over a decade of giddy dawns. It’s been magical. I’ve had a good run. But this year, it’s my ex’s turn to experience all that.

I’ll miss the little things: The frosted cookies on a plate with a note to Santa; the frenzied, last-minute gift-wrapping; getting up before dawn to wait by the lighted tree, hot tea in hand, camera at the ready; and then that Kodak moment, the look of pure joy, mouths forming perfect ‘O’s’ as my sleepy children get their first look at Santa’s handiwork.

Yes, I’ll be alone on Christmas morning. But woe is NOT me, for I have been given the gift of perspective; an epiphany that, like the symbolism of Christmas itself, has come in the form of a newborn baby. Her name is Emilie. She’s sweet and beautiful…and lying in the intensive care unit at Children’s Hospital of Orange County, tubes as long as she is coming out of her in every direction. Emilie was born with a defect that prompted surgery three days into her fragile life. Her parents – my neighbors – are, understandably, on pins and needles. While the prognosis is good, and there’s every reason to believe that Emilie will wake up Christmas morning in her own home, still . . . I worry. I pray. And I count my blessings.

Certainly, I’ll miss my kids on Christmas morning. But there are much bigger heartaches, one being played out just a few houses over. As divorced parents, we need to look at the overall picture. It really doesn’t matter which custodial parent’s home your children wake up in on December 25. What’s most important is that they are alive, in good health and loved year-round.

So what do I plan to do, all alone, on that calendar day we call “Christmas?” Something I don’t do often enough: RELAX. I’ll sleep in, enjoy a long, uninterrupted cup of tea (what is THAT?) while watching the twinkling lights of my tree and start a new book. I can hardly wait.

About mid-morning, when I know my kids have ripped into all those gifts at their dad’s house, I’ll call to say “Merry Christmas” and let them know a similar scenario awaits their return.

And more than a few times, I will glance through the window, toward my neighbors’ house and try to imagine the joy unfolding as Emilie celebrates her very first Christmas with a family so grateful to have her home.

Christmas is about celebrating the life of children. And thanks to one precious baby, I’ll be singing a different tune this year… “Four calling birds, three French hens, two healthy children and a heart filled with love and gratitude for my bounty year-round.”


Can anyone recommend a good book for Lynn Armitage to read on Christmas morning?

Road Kill Of Another Kind

Speaking of road kill . . . I have discovered that I am living under martial law in my new town. Cops are EVERYWHERE! Especially everywhere where you don't want them to be, like parked surreptitiously behind trees in the morning when you're driving your kids to school and need to break a few rules of the road to get them to class on time.

I fired off this picture last week. When I first saw this traffic cop, I was in the right lane, coming from the other direction, and when I made the turn, he startled me because there he was all of a sudden, off his bike and hiding behind a tree with his radar gun.

Isn't that entrapment or something?

What I'm ticked about is that these cops are going after moms in mini vans who are maybe driving a few miles over the speed limit. Big whoop! It's not like anyone is really speeding because there are so many cars going to the same place, the same school, there's no room to go very fast. Simple physics.

About a month ago, I was ticketed on this very street for driving only five miles over the limit. FIVE MILES! Down in Orange County, you were driving too SLOWLY if you were driving only five miles over the speed limit.

This highly patrolled, small town is going to take some getting used to for this former Southern Californian who was used to breaking traffic laws and getting away with it.

Here's another shot of the Enforcer. Looks like he's going to fire on me with a real gun for taking this picture, doesn't it?

Zac’s New Movie – NOT Cute!

Wouldn’t we all love to go back in time to when we were 17 and make decisions that could have altered the courses our lives ended up taking? That’s the premise behind Zac Efron’s new movie, “17 Again.”

Nice premise. But here’s the problem (and you’ll want to click out of this quickly if you haven’t seen the movie and you don’t want to know what happens in the end): Zac’s character got his girlfriend pregnant when they were 17, and he married her. Two kids and many years later, this guy is filled with regrets and “what ifs.”

After two hours on the screen of Zac reliving his very predictable glory years in high school, he realizes that getting a girl pregnant at 17 and marrying her was the right thing to do, after all. And suddenly he has a new appreciation for what he had all along.

Leave it to Hollywood to glamorize teen pregnancy once AGAIN in “17 Again!” Two years ago, it was “Juno.” And wasn’t that smart-mouthed, sassy Juno so adorable, you just wanted to be her – the young girl who accidentally got pregnant, had the baby, then gave it up for adoption right before she went to Senior Prom?

“Juno” and “17 Again!” are the kind of movies that make you all warm and fuzzy inside about teen pregnancy. And THAT’S the problem! These movies are aimed at the teen set, and the danger is, these teenagers leave the theaters thinking that it’s OK to get pregnant when you’re 16 and 17, because it all works out in the end. Just like it does in Hollywood. Life all wrapped up in a pink or blue bow.

My 15-year-old daughter saw this movie with her girlfriends. I didn’t know what the movie was about (except that it was rated PG-13) until I picked them up afterward and they spilled the entire plot and ending for me. Surprised by it all, I asked one of her friends in the car, “What did you think of the ending?”

“It was SO cute!” she gushed.

CUTE?! Since when is getting pregnant at 17 a cute thing? How can my sensible message of college-career-marriage-and-THEN-babies possibly compete with the multi-million-dollar-mega-watt-charm of Zac Efron, who is basically telling these young kids that it’s OK to skip to the end and have babies, first?

Is it any wonder that teen pregnancies are on the rise again for the first time since 1991?

How about if Hollywood made a movie about a teenager who does everything right – gets good grades, stays away from drugs and alcohol, respects her parents, graduates from college, lands a decent job, moves out on her own, falls in love with a great guy, gets married and has babies, in that order?

Or is that just TOO boring??

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Happy Mother's Day!

I usually don't like chain e-mails -- jokes and videos and inspirational thoughts that have been around the Internet and back a zillion times. But every now and then, I get a jewel, like this one. And a timely jewel it is, too.

Happy Mother's Day to every woman who has stretch marks to prove it. Enjoy!



25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER: "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS: "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Shut that door behind you. Were you raised in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

Can Anyone Help Ivan?

Lindsay Lohan (via last.fm)

A 17-year-old student named Ivan posted the following comment on my blog, "Careful -- The Kids Are Watching!"

"im writing an important essay about the effect of society and media on the people and while doing my research i found your site i strongly identify with you and i really like what you talk about so i wanted to ask you: what is the negative effect of society and media on our alredy decadent society? your answer will help me alot!"

Not sure I answered Ivan's question, but I've posted my response. And I'd like to encourage all of you to help this young scholar with his essay and offer up a response of your own. I'll be happy to post it. You can send it to: Boatfolk@aol.com.


Ivan -- To answer your question . . . freedom of the press is an important right afforded to a democratic society. A free flow of information is generally a good thing. As a journalist, I believe in the public’s right to know. However, do we really need to know EVERYTHING?? I don’t really care where Paris Hilton partied last night or that Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian or where OctoMom shops for her octuplets’ clothes.

I think the danger we face in our democratic society is that with so much information (news, pictures, videos, blogs, etc.) being floated through the various media channels every day, a lot of junk gets through and that tends to normalize values and behaviors that are otherwise questionable. For instance, my daughter might come across a video on YouTube of two lesbians making out and the men standing around watching it are cheering them on. That sends the message to her that it’s “cool” and “normal” to be kissing girls.

Rap music is another great example of the destructive influence that pop culture has on our children. Kids hear Rap blaring from cars at stoplights, they hear it at the mall being played in their favorite stores -- usually with a cool video on a screen overhead – and it’s the music du jour that they are downloading on their iPods. Since Rap music is EVERYWHERE, kids are getting the message that it’s OK to act like a degenerate, to walk around with pants belted around your kneecaps, to act tough and swagger like a “gangsta,” and to degrade women and call them all “Shorty.”

When you mainstream the destructive behaviors of a few, it becomes the norm, and before you know it, you have an entire culture of degenerates.

I can’t stop the free flow of information. More to the point, I don’t want to. I believe in democracy and our freedom to choose what we want to read and watch and listen to. As a parent, I just wish there was more of a balance of choices, some louder and stronger voices crying out against the sometimes “value-less” mainstream.

I wish I could do more. I’m just one mom with a blog and a hectic life I can barely manage sometimes. I think the change I am seeking, the rally cry against some of this pop culture crap, begins at home. If parents became more vigilant and worked harder at instilling good values in their children, maybe that would help buffer the blow of the rapid degeneration of our society.

Does anyone else want to answer Ivan's question? Send your response to Boatfolk@aol.com.

Cheers My Ass!

Image by crafterm via Flickr Miss me? I took nearly an entire month off from whining. Didn't want to dampen the holiday spirit. But my ex-husband did something so idiotic, that I have to blog about it. Over New Year's, he took my daughters to France for a ski weekend. I guess there is no drinking age in France. Children of any age can just walk into bars and order a tall one. On New Year's Eve, my ex celebrated his 50th birthday, and to christen the landmark occasion, he gave our 15-year-old permission to drink, too. Which she did. And she loved it.

Oh, great. Now I have to clean up the mess he made and explain to our daughter that as much fun as she had drinking in France, it is illegal over here for kids her age. I know that the old saying "When in Rome, do as the Romans do" translates easily into French. But as a parent, I think it is irresponsible to allow teenagers to drink alcohol anywhere in the world. Sends a confusing message to a very impressionable group of kids.

I can only hope that when she is invited to a party and is given the choice between a coke and a beer, she chooses "the real thing." Or she's going to get into some real trouble.

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Not Alone In My Madness

Image via Wikipedia Now that I'm done whining about a few things, I think it's time I started enlightening you. Offer up some real-world advice for raising kids in this tech-savvy, cyber-obsessed world that, unfortunately on so many counts, is here to stay. I'm not adopting an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality. It's more of an "if you can't beat 'em, stay way ahead of 'em" philosophy.

I've stumbled on a few sites out there that you parents will find very helpful. Sites that can help parents guide their children safely through this age of social, interactive media. First off, check out connectsafely.org (http://www.connectsafely.org/). This site was started by the authors of "MySpace Unraveled: What it is and how to use it safely." You'll find tons of tips and advice on how to help your kids navigate safely through the Web and how to engage in safe social networking. Like these:


* Be reasonable and try to set reasonable expectations. Pulling the plug on your child’s favorite social site is like pulling the plug on his or her social life. Instead of being protective, it can shut down communication and send kids "underground" where they're more at risk. It's too easy for them to set up free blogs and profiles from anywhere, including friends' houses or even a cell phone.

* Talk with your kids about how they use the services. They, not news reports or even experts, are the ones to consult about their social-Web experience. Help them understand basic safety guidelines, such as protecting their privacy (including passwords), not harassing peers, never talking about sex with people they don't know, avoiding in-person meetings with people they "meet" online, and taking care in what they post - because anything people put online can be grabbed, reworked, and used against them.

* Support critical thinking and civil behavior because no laws or parental-control software can protect better than a child's developing good sense about safety and relationships. Research shows that kids who are aggressive and mean online toward peers or strangers are at greater risk of becoming victims themselves. So teach them to be good citizens and friends online as much as offline.

* Consider requiring Internet use in a high-traffic place in your home - not in kids' rooms - to help you stay aware of their online time. This way, you can encourage a balance between online time and their offline academic, sports, and social times. Know that there are also many ways kids can access the Internet away from home, including on many mobile phones and game players.

* Try to get your kids to share their profiles and blogs with you, but be aware that they can have multiple accounts on multiple services. Use search engines and the search tools on social-networking sites to search for your kids' full names, phone numbers and other identifying information. You're not invading their privacy if they're putting personal info in public "places" online. If their pages are private, that's a good thing, but it's even better if they share it with you.


© 2008 ConnectSafely.org

Hey, Let's Eat!

Image via Wikipedia Today, I’m not so mad. Sorry to disappoint you. How could I be in any other mood but a jolly one? Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, the most glorified dinner of the year. People all over the country will be taking planes, trains and automobiles to sit at the table with loved ones – and those folks you have to put up with once a year.

Whatever your plans, I wish you a relaxing, warm and wonderful day. And don’t worry about eating too much. You have the whole year to work it off. Or you could just roll over the calories into the next holiday, like a Frequent Eater Program.

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! Happy Thanksgiving!

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Proud Of Pop

Something's been nagging at me all day. It's Veteran's Day, as you all know, and I really didn't pay enough tribute to the veteran in my life -- my own father.

I told you in the previous post that he fought in the Vietnam and Korean Wars. I was a tween then, and going off to war was just my father's job. It's what he did. Some people's fathers work in construction, some are lawyers, some fight fires. My father fought other men. It was his job, and I never understood the importance -- and magnitude -- of it, really. But I do now, all these years later.

This past summer, my daughters and I went to Wisconsin to see our first pow-wow. My father had the privilege of carrying the American flag for our tribe because he is the highest decorated Air Force officer in the Oneida nation. (That's a BIG deal!) He carried the flag stoically, pridefully, and I could see how much he was respected by other veterans. (That's him in the photo.) For the first time ever, I understood that soldiering wasn't just my father's job, it was, and is, his identity. It is the centerpiece of his life. It is his heart.

My father and I don't always see eye to eye. Who am I kidding . . . we fight a lot! I know I don't say this often enough, but I am proud of you, Dad. And I hope you got all the respect you deserved today on your day, Veteran's Day.